REVEALED: Clear signs problematic upbringing | Vintage Vibes

Tracy Hutchinson, Ph.D., LMHC, is a therapist with over 18 years of clinical experience, and her research on positive psychology, mental health, and emotional psychology has been published in various peer-reviewed academic journals and textbooks.

As hard as parenting is, she believes that every mom and dad should try to avoid the following seven mistakes, beginning with minimizing your child's feelings.

"Kids need to know that it's healthy to express and talk about their emotions," Hutchinson explains. "When parents tell their kids things such as 'don't be so sad about it' or 'it's not a big deal,' they're sending the message that feelings don't matter and that it's better to suppress them."

So if your kid, for example, appears fearful during a loud storm, consider saying, 'I know you're scared right now,' and asking them what they think would make them feel better instead.

Then there's saving them from failure. "As parents, it's hard to watch our children struggle through challenges that we know we can easily fix for them," Hutchinson says.

"But think of it this way: if your kid is doing poorly in school, you know that telling them the homework answers will only backfire because you can’t be in the classroom when they have to complete those tests on their own." 

Failure is part of success, and if kids never get the chance to learn that, they'll never develop the perseverance they need to rise back up after a setback.

The next common mistake is overindulging your kids. Research shows that when you give your kids whatever they desire, they miss out on skills related to mental strength, such as self-discipline.

"You want your kids to grow up knowing that it's possible to achieve what they want — if they work for it," Hutchinson explains. "Parents can teach their kids [to] learn self-control by setting clear rules for things like finishing homework before screen time or doing chores to boost allowance (so they can buy things on their own while knowing they earned it)."

Parents shouldn't expect perfection, either. While it's natural to want your child to aim for big goals and be the best at everything, the truth is that's not how the world works.

Setting the bar too high can lead to self-esteem and confidence issues later in life.

"There are many things that might make your kid feel uncomfortable, especially when it involves doing something new: trying new foods, making new friends, playing a new sport or moving homes and having to go to a new school," the therapist continues.

"But just like failure, embracing uncomfortable moments can boost mental strength. Encourage your kids to try new things. Help them get started, because that’s the hardest part. But once they take that first step, they might realize that it isn't as difficult as they thought it’d be — and that they might even be good at it!"

Your family should also have clear parent-child boundaries. Yes, kids need to make their own decisions, but they also need to know that you're the boss.

According to Hutchinson, kids who are mentally strong have parents who understand the importance of boundaries and consistency. Caving in and allowing rules to be negotiated too often can lead to power struggles.

Lastly, parents should remember to take care of themselves. "The older we get, the harder it becomes to maintain healthy habits (e.g., eating healthy, exercising daily, taking time to restore)," Hutchinson says. "That’s why it’s important to model self-care habits for your kids."

It's also crucial to practice healthy coping skills in front of your children. For instance, if you’re stressed about work, it could be a great idea to simply tell your child something along the lines of, "I had a very tiring day at work, and I’m going to relax with tea and a book."

The majority of parents (62%) say that raising kids has been at least somewhat harder than they expected, with about a quarter (26%) saying it’s been a lot harder.

At the same time, most of them give themselves high marks for it, with 64% saying they do an excellent or very good job as a parent and 32% reporting they do a good job, while just 4% think their effort could be described as fair or poor.

Those numbers are pretty interesting. But I guess, even if we see someone behaving rather badly, we can't immediately blame their parents for not doing their part. Research shows us that identical twins who grow up in the same home with the same parents often turn out very differently. So maybe the signs discussed in the thread tell us more about those people's character rather than their parents' commitment to raising them?